[ PRAWN O GRAPHY ]

Chronicles of my Perverse Musicality

IAMPSYCHOTICSYNCHYPNOTIC
don't know what to do
hiponesa
In case you've stumbled upon this page and are interested in more recent posts, or if you're a friend that I haven't been in contact with for at least AGES, I've a new blog:

VERBAL ABUSE

You can also visit me at my Facebook site, a service I (currently) consume in unhealthy dosages.

See you! But I'm keeping this account so you can still add me up here if you want or at least allow me to view your Friends Only posts or sumn'. You can also comment on this post if you're going to notify me of a new link as well. ;)

As his gwaponess John Lloyd Cruz would say: "Ingat!"

Note to Self
huwah
hiponesa
I miss blogging. Balik ako dito soon. :)

Chareng.
drowned world
hiponesa

it's funny how friendship delays possibilities. i have no plans for summer. i have you in mind. i hope this wears off, because i think you are summer. you're just summer. you are something to look forward to, but rarely held on to.

but then it is possible that you are starlight, forever chased but ever visible and present - summer or fall, rain or shine. is it worth it to pursue you, when i know the consequences are detrimental? is it worth it to pursue you, when in pursuing you the most solid of foundations that i hold shall collapse into a blackhole?

if you are indeed summer, then answering such questions would not matter. but if you are in fact starlight, then woe is me. woe is me for being so blind.

i'm not saying i love you yet. but you know i do. :)


These Inner Demons
drowned world
hiponesa

"hindi ka na nagbablog."

the truth is, hindi na ako nag-iinternet. and that in fact, napakadalang ko nang buksan man lamang ang laptop ko.

that is why some of you don't know na in the second day of january this year, dalawang tao dear to me ang namatay.

na a week after i started noticing persistent pains sa back ko.

na ilang beses na akong pabalik balik sa kung sinu-sino nang doctor.

na inconclusive yung urinalysis, blood test at xrays ko.

na in between the follow up check ups, other joints started feeling weird, too.

na before february started, i started noticing my hair was falling off.

and that all of these symptoms persist to this day.

and that in between, i find myself in one way or another fucking up with something.

pero more often, other people fuck up and i get involved because it's my job to be.

it's my job to be stressed.

it's my job to deal with stupid people and having to make do with their stupidity because it takes up more energy trying to alter them.

meanwhile, it feels as if i've lost a limb.

the will to care and to think positive has been amputated.

i miss blogging.

i miss sound tripping. my mp3 player died the same day my friend and foster mother died.

i miss whining about the things i thought mattered and that it was crucial that a significant percentage of the world population knew about it.

or at least could potentially access it.

i can only laugh at the idea of it now.

although i miss it. the days na yun lang winoworry ko. na ang pagkabasted lang ang hinanakit ko.

whatever.

i'll cleanse myself of these inner demons. somehow. do me a favor and find the one in yours and do the same. i can only deal with one ignoramus at a time and that slot i've already occupied.


Function Dysfunction Malfunction
drowned world
hiponesa
i just sobered up. i am in bad influence city when i'm at my mom's. at my stepdad's vices are their thing. they're like the lost sheep of the negligent shepherd. i shall not want. i'm sleepy.

i've been drinking a lot for three straight nights now. i think i'm embarassing myself in the process, but it's nothing much of a bother anymore. last night my stepdad invited me to drink with him, so we both drank one bottle of red horse each. apparently he was drunk prior to that. well, nagdrama siya, in short. he told me things i already knew and repressed, except that my mom has been hiding a certain discomfort sickness illness condition from me. like what the hell. i'm used to that. but what the hell. part of me is scared. most of me just wants to shut down from the rest of the world.

and what else? i don't really prefer my fosters' house from all this ruckus and boisterousness and ignorance so malignant in my mom's milieu. because they're fucking boring and uptight and they don't understand and care one bit. as long as i'm economically sustained, they think i'm fine. let's fuck to the death.

i'm tired of not wanting to be where i am. the future is bleak. oh well. i should stay positive. even if by being positive it only means that i should go retarded just so i be numbed and anaesthesized from the madness or ennui surrounding me.

being at the center is not at all a safe position. you're inclined to one side, and pressured to take a stand. centrists are major candidates for suicide.

Isang Paskong Kapiling ang Sambayanan ng Pilipinas. :)
twiggy
hiponesa

this christmas chronicle involves mrt rides, crowded malls, yosi breaks, moments on the overpass, children of all classes and food that was mine one minute, then wasn't the next. you could end up pitying me, or utterly jealous because your christmas was so ordinary. haha.

kahapon nagpasko na ang fosters ko. sa 27 pa ako pupunta sa mommy ko. rather than mope at home, i treated myself to a date. yung kami lang ni ako. complete me time. i let myself take me anywhere. i'm glad i treated myself to my funniest (albeit strange) christmas ever.

YUGTO 1
nagulat ako sa SM kasi ang dami paring tao. kapag pasko pala buhay na buhay pa rin ang komersyalisasyon, di gaya pag mahal na araw. medyo nadismaya ako, kasi i was hoping na yung mga lugar na usually kong nakikitang matao e for once isolated.

umasa naman din ako sa mrt. but no. pami-pamilya ang mga nandun, habang ako nag-iisa dun na parang timang. ni hindi man lang ako nakaupo. anyway, sinasabi ko sa mga katext ko nun na pupunta lang ako ng trinoma para doon mag yosi break (see my plurk). haha.

isa sa mga katext ko ay si juankaloy. sus, pinigilan ako magyosi. sabi ko, sige fine, candy na lang pupuntahan ko sa trinoma. paulit-ulit nagpatugtog ang christmas jingle ng meralco sa mrt. "may liwanag ang pasko, may liwanag ang pasko." for more! kaya sige na nga. hahaha.

YUGTO 2
pagdating ko sa trinoma, diyos ko po. di ko alam kung ano mas marami - ang mga papasok o papalabas ng mall. sayang naman yung punta ko kung candy lang sadya ko, buti sana kung yosi. (LOL) but no. so naisipan kong mag mcflurry na lang.

of course dumaan ako sa landmark bago tumuloy ng mcdo. ave maria napupuno ka ng grasya, kay dami kong naspot na pogijacket. sayang, hindi ako nakapagdala ng anju, nakabili sana ako ng pogi jacket. pero mabuti na rin na hindi ako nakapagdala ng anju, kasi if ever, mapapabili lang ako ng pogi jacket. haha. oo, schizo ata ako.

YUGTO 3
o, kay haba ng pila sa mcdo. almost isang metro lang naman layo ko sa cashier pero 15-20 minutes akong nakatunganga lang. opening nga rin pala kasi ng MMFF, kaya marami talagang tao sa palapag na yun. gusto kong sumama kay kuya and his friend na nasa harapan ko sa pila na nagpayabangan pa ng mp4 at mp5 player nila (meron na pala nun?) sa panonood ng shake, rattle and roll X. pero siyempre hindi... dahil wala na si manilyn reynes doon, so what's the point? HA HA HA!

ay wait. so ayun. nabili ko na din yung mcflurry sa wakas. after so long the pila and so daming people ever. so exit na ako ng trinoma.

YUGTO 4
sa pagbaba ko sa tulay papunta sa kabilang lane ng mrt, since southbound ako, nilapitan ako ng isang batang pulubi. hinihingi ang mcflurry na kinakain ko pa while walking. haha. sabi ko, "palit tayo. akin na yang dalawang piso mo, panyosi ko, tapos iyo na ito." siyempre, agree siya, TANGA NAMAN KUNG HINDI pero habang nagnenegotiate kami, lumapit na ang mga "friends" niyang kabataan din. pagkakuha ko ng dalawang piso, sinabi ko bago ko ibigay na magsheshare dapat sila lahat, kasi christmas. "diba dapat nagsheshare kapag christmas?" haha.

so bumili ako ng yosi, kahit kakasabi ko lang na hindi. para lang mabawi ko man lang yung pinila ko sa mcdo. maya-maya, naspot ko ang isang bata na hindi nashare-an ng mcflurry, kaya imbis na ibili ko yung isa pang piso ng candy, sa kanya ko na lang binigay yung isang piso, kahit hindi siya yung kumita nun. redistribution of wealth, dahil agrabyado siya sa access to mcflurry-sources. o diba, may ganun akong nalalaman? haha.

tapos nagmoment muna ako sa tulay, tanaw  ang mga patimog na mga sasakyan at ang malachristmas lights nilang backlights. sa pagbuga ko ng usok, naalala ko bigla,

"tae, hindi pa pala ako nagbebreakfast o naglalunch."

YUGTO 5
nakasakay na din sa wakas sa mrt. halfway home, yung original kong katabi na echoserang babaeng bakla ay napalitan ng echoserang babaeng bakla in-the-making. joke. tatlo silang mag-iina, at nakatabi ko yung panganay na babaeng bata. tapos nung nagtetext ako, napansin kong napapasulyap si little girl sa phone ko.

naisip kong pagtripan siya. tinaype ko sa phone ko,
"Psst... Oo, bata, ikaw. Merry Christmas! :)"

pasubtle effect akong hinaharap sa kanya, at sinisigurado kong hindi namamatay yung backlight para mabasa niya, pero hindi pa rin niya ata nababasa. so kunwari inaayos ko yung upo ko, para makatok ang personal bubble ng bata.

ayun! napansin niya. nung una parang tiningnan lang niya pero hindi napansin. sinubukan ko ulit, medyo hinarap pa sa kanya. ayun. nabasa na niya. hahaha. ngiti na lang talaga ako. tapos pababa na ako. kinuwento ata ng bata, kasi pagtingin ko pabalik ng tren, medyo mataray ang tingin ni mama. hahahaha.

EPILOGO
pagbaba ko ng ayala, sinabayan ng malamig na simoy ng hangin ang pagsisista ng mga bulag na musician ng mga pinoy na christmas carols. tumambay muna ako at inenjoy ang libreng concert. nangiti ako. sabi ko sa (mga) sarili ko, we should do this again next time.

naglakad akong kumakanta-kanta pa pauwi. ang saya ko lang talaga, kahit inaambunan ako, para bagang wag na daw kasi akong kumanta.

 

Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon sa Inyong Lahat!
-pag-ibig ;)-

Tags:

Heppy
twiggy
hiponesa
yay. scratched the journal that i wanted off my wishlist. i'm still rather skeptical that the journal will actually (and not definitely like i thought, haha) change my life, but it's a pretty planner with random, sometimes useful, sometimes useless (i.e. utility schizophrenic) information in it. i guess it's finding out that my birthday is hair stylist appreciation day won me over.

oh, so merry christmas everyone! we have no plans for the whole day, since we had the party last night because some of my foster's relatives have planned to go to the states, ergo we celebrated earlier.

everyone i've talked with told me to spend christmas at my mom's. i could and i should, but it's complicated. but i am going to be there mga 27-31. anyway, december 25 is just a date, from what i've learned speaking with friends. i'm just going to make the most of my stay there when i am, while also trying to realign and reattach myself to both families. (and that, i blame on you damnessislove. haha.)

as for the day itself, i'm probably going to sneak out, i don't know, when i feel like sneaking out. as to how far my sneaking out will take me, i am not sure either. now i'm doubting the whole getting a planner just because it's pretty idea because spontaneity is my thing. ironically, i plan to be spontaneous. WHERE WAS I? ah, yes. i'm going out for a walk. this christmas, i'mma spend quality time with me.

i don't want christmas to be the international jei's day for moping because she chose (or has to choose) this family over the other to spend the holidays with. like i said, it's just a date. there's always a none of the above option, because sometimes all else just fails.

i'll seek solace in my solitude if by choosing either-or, i would ironically feel lonelier.

of course, hindi niyo gets. and that's a good thing. that means you are fortunate to not have to be bothered by such troublesome dilemmas. good for you. give yourself a pat on the shoulder. oh, and here's an awesome set of hugs. -hug-hug-hug-hug-hug-hug-hug-



merry christmas, everyone! :) i heart you.

Hambored. =P
twiggy
hiponesa
certified true wish list:
1. this journal will definitely change your life 2009
- i won't spend P700+ for an organizer! i probably won't even use it! hahaha. pero ang ganda niya e. and it has the dates of unusual holidays. my birthday - april 30 - is hairstylists appreciation day! kaya naman pala e! LOL

2. a new mp3 player
- kahit cheapuzz lang. sira kasi LCD nung chipod ko e. pero gumagana pa rin siya. but it's rather inconvenient operating it blind. :P

3. a guitar
- with nylon strings. mine has steel strings kasi, and is out of tune and nobody knows how to fix it. plus, i really think i'm more comfortable with nylon. i remember it being easier to learn on and endure practicing with it. haha.

plus, i really want to take songwriting from pseudo-seriously to semi-seriously, haha. the piano is just too cumbersome and, uh, public. hihi.

4. rainbow hoodie
- either the cheap gray hoodie that has rainbows all over it from landmark, or the candy-color rainbow (di ko maexplain, basta rainbow-y siya pero hindi roy g. biv. LOL) striped hoodie at... gosh i forgot. tomato? YRYS? i can get both depending sa grasya ng kaninong/kaninangan. hahaha.

... BUT DON'T GET THESE FOR ME! i shall buy these on my own. hehe.

i just wrote it down here so that i don't forget about it, since i usually forget things i write down on paper, or what i would like to splurge on once i get the money. meanwhile, i usually look back at my blog entries, and comments help in the reminding as well. haha.

i will need P4,000-P5000 for all these, which seems feasible. but times are hard, i might sacrifice some of my already concise wishlist. hihi. but it's okay. i don't mind. #2 and #1 lang naman ang may asterisk (*) of priority. hehe.


my yaya's nephew was sent to the hospital yesterday because he couldn't stand up anymore. he was aggravated by back pains for months now, but it has finally reached a point where it needs immediate medical attention. i hope everything will be alright in the end. dapat kasi matagal na siyang nagpatingin. tigas ng ulo.

anyway, my yaya took the day off. i discovered it when i woke up. at 2:30 PM. all i ate before dinner was a hershey bar and a cup of noodles. i'm so useless without her. i don't know where the kitchen stuff are, even if i know how to cook. i feel shy bossing around the other maids because i'm so used to just doing that to my yaya. haha.

nadedepress tuloy ako. maraming tao sa bahay, pero siya lang talaga yung figure dito na inuuwian ko. 20% because we care for each other, and 80% because siya naman ang so irritatingly nagpapauwi palagi sa akin ng maaga. haha. drama lang.


ang boring. ang boring talaga. the end.
Tags: ,

fruitcake
eeww
hiponesa
it's not the time for putting these types of words together, nor even mentioning them, but we all grow old and our boredom transcends the seasons and the chemical fluctuation of our collective merriment. nothing really changes but the weather. i still don't have an answer for your what-are-you-trying-to-say's. in fairness, the feeling is mutual. lol. i don't want to be curious anymore because this restlessness is long overdue. i think it's at a point of knowing whether is you is or is you ain't, my baby, like how tom (of tom and jerry) would sing. i know, i know, i'm not making sense.

i think all i'm saying is, i love you, and it's a funny way to die. haha. merry christmas. :)

StupidConsumeristFun :)
towards
hiponesa
went christmas shopping with meg and erika earlier. we heart landmark, makati! i was able to buy gifts for fourteen people at around P1500, while not having to go out of the "mall" atmosphere. and though cheap, pinag-isipan naman yung mga regalo. as in yung taong makakareceive.

symbiosis naman ang naganap. they were glad i brought them there because of the cheap but nice stuff, and i was happy with the company and the help in reducing my indecisiveness. haha.

hindi natuloy ang aming cubao expo, pero landmark makati is love pa rin. haha. go there for cheap stuff without having to sacrifice the comfort of your pagsusuroy. haha.


ano ba ito. daming christmas parties and other days to look forward to to come:

december 15
ang pagbabalik ni eshperez! lola, miss you, meight! XD
SINAG christmas party


december 16
the "great" oblation run "daw." hahaha.

december 17
sociology department christmas party
lantern parade
UP KMS christmas party


december 18
UP CRAdLE christmas party at mandaluyong hospital

december 20~22 (not sure sa date)
BarkadaTrip christmas party! yay, makakapunta na rin kami nila esh and mika. (sana walang humadlang) :)

'tis the season to be jolly (antipara?), haha! i don't mind being worn out by this sched.

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